


in the dark.

by stardustgirl



Series: All of Us Were Only Dreaming [3]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Character Death, Death Wish, Headcanon, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Kanan Jarrus-centric, Non-Canonical Character Death, Post-Episode: s01e15 Fire Across the Galaxy, Why Did I Write This?, based on a headcanon, suicidal ideations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-18 07:45:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18116396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustgirl/pseuds/stardustgirl
Summary: It's been five years, and Kanan still can't stop feeling guilty about it.  At this point, it's even going so far as to interfere with simple pickups with Ahsoka...and an encounter with a new (old?) acquaintance.





	in the dark.

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Blaster Injuries, Lightsaber Injuries, Blaming Self for Other's Death, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Ideations (Not Acted Upon), Begging for Death
> 
> (This is a heavy one guys, be warned....Check the tags for further warnings!)

Ezra has been dead for five years now.

Kanan has accepted it, as distraught and destroyed as it makes him, from the beginning, since he saw his Padawan, his _son_ topple off the catwalk and fall far, far below.  When Hera had called to him, telling him to leave the Inquisitor, and they had arrived back in the _Ghost,_ she broke the news to him.

He had cried.

He tried to push the memories away, tried not to think of the boy’s broken cry of “ _Kanan!_ ” as he fell, and Kanan, his master, his _father_ had let him down.  Hadn’t even managed to avenge him, either—the Inquisitor still hunted them, and now he was joined by several others, to the point where Kanan and Ahsoka could no longer stay with Phoenix Cell without risking the destruction of the rest.

So now here he is, sitting at the small table in what passes for their ship’s common room, head in his hands, and trying to look at his Padawan’s lightsaber without breaking down again.

There’s a soft knock and he looks up to see Ahsoka standing at the edge of the room.

“What?” he asks, voice vacant.

“Came to see if you’re okay.  We’re approaching the drop spot, and I need you ready.”  Her voice is not unkind, but still firm, reminding him that he still has other people to take care of, including himself.  Sighing, he nods and stands.

“Ye- yeah, I’m ready.  How long?”

“Two minutes.”  She leaves for the cockpit and he nods, approaching the cargo bay and checking that his lightsaber is put together.  He double checks that Ezra’s ‘saber is clipped to his belt as well; Hera and Ahsoka had both convinced him that the teen would have wanted him to have it.

The ship lands and Ahsoka joins him shortly, opening the loading ramp and leading the way out with a small crate.  He lets her, trying to push the thoughts of Ezra out of his mind. No use focusing on what he can’t change.

The crate isn’t what the cell needs, but it works as a useful disguise for a data chip hidden in the bottom.  They take it over to a group of crates at the far end of the empty hangar, leaving it and taking the two left for them.  Kanan can’t help a small smile at the thought of another message like the ones Hera’s been leaving in the drop items the past three times; he and Ahsoka have been on comm silence ever since Hera commed and told them that the Empire had managed to track their last transmission and almost obliterate the entire cell.

They’re still a hundred meters from the ship when he stops, Ahsoka following suit shortly afterward.

“Do you sense that?”  It’s not the _Force,_ not exactly, more intuition than anything.  Still….

“Yes.”  A beat as she scans the hangar, eyes narrowed.  “Don’t move yet.”

There’s a sound from behind them and Kanan turns, hands on both lightsabers now.  He strains to see something in the darkness, anything—

“Kanan!”

He ducks as the whirring red blade comes, nearly decapitating him.  It’s called back to its owner before Ahsoka can knock it out of the air, and as Kanan sees its wielder he freezes.

Another Inquisitor.

The being leaps from the catwalk above, landing lightly on the hangar floor as it catches the lightsaber.  It lifts its head, staring up at them.

“Well now.  They didn’t believe me, but it looks like I was right after all.”  The voice is familiar, chillingly so, but he can’t place it with the helmet’s modulators interfering.

“Kanan, get the other crate, I’ll handl—“  Ahsoka’s words are cut off as the being rushes forward.

Kanan manages to get his ‘saber up in time to defend himself, barely blocking the Inquisitor’s crimson blades from slicing into his face.  Kanan shoves upward, forcing the lightsabers away and calling Ezra’s to his hand in time to block another attack. Twisting it out of the way, he turns on its blaster function and fires, grazing the Inquisitor’s side.  The being cries out in pain and stumbles back, but doesn’t move to attack him again. He straightens, breathing hard as he studies the Force-wielder.

“Where’d you get that lightsaber?  It’s not yours.”

The being’s words surprise him and he shifts his weight, swallowing thickly.

_Ezra rushing forward, lightsaber raised, the Grand Inquisitor throwing his own ‘saber—_

“You don’t need to know that,” he hisses in reply.

“I’ll kill you otherwise.”

He snorts, reaching out to the being’s Force signature, only to withdraw in shock.  It’s nonexistent, as if the being before him isn’t even breathing.

Behind him, he can sense Ahsoka moving, trying to sneak around the side of the hangar to attack from behind.  But the being ahead of him...he can’t sense _anything_ from it.

“Who are you?” he calls.

There’s silence for a long moment, and he thinks it isn’t going to reply until it says in a much quieter voice, “They call me Ten.”

There's a yell and Ahsoka is attacking the being, the Inquisitor’s lightsaber going up to block a second too late.  Its helmet cracks open, the left half of it falling to the floor with a clatter that’s now the loudest thing in the hangar, even above the sound of Ahsoka’s humming ‘sabers as the being falls onto his back, letting out a cry of pain.

And then, her soft whisper is louder than the noise of the helmet.

“You’re just a boy.”

He responds with an immediate snarl as she kicks his lightsaber away.  “I’m almost twenty; I’m not _just a bo—_ “

Five years.

Ezra’s been dead for five years.

He was fifteen when it happened.

Kanan approaches, ‘saber ignited.  Ahsoka catches his expression and backs away, careful to make sure the Inquisitor doesn’t stand or reach for his ‘saber.  He stops at the being’s left side, stiffening at the vengeful golden eye that glares back at him above twin scars he doesn’t recognize.

Dark hair covers tawny skin with a sheen of sweat as he growls at Kanan.

“Ezra?” he breathes hesitantly, not daring to believe—

The Inquisitor’s eyes widen before narrowing.  “You _left me!_ ” he screams.  He thrashes, fingers flashing as he presses something on his wrist.  His sheathed ‘saber hurtles towards him, stopped only as Ahsoka intercepts it.  The Inquisitor continues to struggle as Kanan kneels and pins his arms to the floor, straddling him as he glances back up at Ahsoka.

“I’ll get him to the ship, you worry about the crates.”  She opens her mouth to object but his gaze hardens. “I already abandoned him once, I won’t—“

A swinging leg catches Kanan hard, knocking him off-balance enough for the Inquisitor to get to his feet, breathing heavily as he eyes both of them.

“Ezra, whatever happened to you, I _promise—_ “

“Don’t ‘promise’ anything, _Master,_ ” he sneers, splintered mask only serving to heighten the unease Kanan feels at his appearance.  “You _left me,_ there, on that De- _Destroyer,_ you _left me_ to _die!_ ”  His voice is broken, shaking though he tries to hide it.  “To be _tortured!_  Do you _know_ what they did to me, Kanan?  Do you _know_ what I had to do to even _cope_ with it all?  Do you _know_ what I thought every day just to get me through it to see the next morning?!”  Now he’s yelling, visibly shaking as his hands curl into fists, and maybe he’s wrong but he _thinks_ he can see a tear slipping down the boy’s— _young man’s—_ face.

“Ezra….”

“Don’t call me that name anymore.”  Without warning, he presses his wrist and calls his ‘saber out of Ahsoka’s now-loose grip and into his own, igniting it and lunging at Kanan.

They battle fiercely, exchanging blows quickly as Ahsoka uses the opening he’s given her to get all three of the crates onboard their ship.  They’re almost evenly matched, easily anticipating each other’s moves, but Kanan manages to catch him off balance and presses him up against the wall, ’saber at his throat.

“Why...why won’t you just kill me?” he rasps, gaze narrowing.  Kanan shakes his head, and realizes that his hands shake with it.

“Because I _can’t,_ Ezra.  You’re my _son,_ ” he adds, voice catching.  The youth’s eyes widen before narrowing again, shaking his head even as the ‘saber almost cuts into his skin.

“If I go back without- without completing the mission...I can’t...I can’t go back.  Just make a decision already.”

He does.  Kanan backs up, sheathing his lightsaber and backing halfway across the hangar as the youth advances, gaze unreadable with only half of his face visible.

He lunges forward, but Kanan only blocks it.

“You can come _with us,_ Ezra.  With Ahsoka and I.  We can _help_ you.”

In response, he lunges forward again, only to be blocked.  Breathing hard, he stands back, leaving Kanan a wide opening to take advantage of.

He doesn’t.

“Just _hurt me_ already!  Just do _something!_ ” he screams, moving to attack again after a minute of stillness between them.  Kanan shakes his head, even as the youth slashes his arm.

“No.  I’m not going to hurt you, Ezra.  I’m sorry about shooting you, too, if I had known it was you—“

“So the Jedi is all high and mighty until it’s someone he knows or something he feels guilty about!” he snarls, landing another blow.  Kanan becomes aware of his breathing gradually becoming more labored, his blocks becoming slower.

“I _promise,_ Ezra—“

“Stop making promises you can’t keep!”

He strikes another blow and Kanan gasps, stilling.  The youth’s visible eye widens, and Kanan follows his gaze down to the gaping wound.

“Ezra, I’m- I’m sorry….”

He collapses abruptly, coughing.  He doesn’t feel it, but he _knows_ that it won’t allow him another day.

“No, Kanan, I- _I’m sorry…_ ” he whispers, kneeling.  His eye color flickers, seeming different now, almost...blue?

“I shouldn’t...have left you….”

As his vision starts to go in fits and bursts, he becomes aware of the youth crying, whispering the words, “ _I want to go home,_ ” over and over again.

He does, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Someone stop me before it's too late.
> 
> This was inspired by the following headcanon from swr-headcanons on Tumblr:  
> Everything we have seen in season 2 has been in Ezra’s head. Ezra has been in a coma since the inquisitor hit him with the lightsaber in the finale of season 1.
> 
> -Anonymous  
> (https://swr-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/150743986982/everything-we-have-seen-in-season-2-has-been-in)


End file.
